Think, think, think

You know that feeling when nothing is right, but nothing is wrong either? One day, you can think you have it all, but the next, you can feel like there is nothing left. Like you're an empty shell, getting older by the moon cycles.

One day, you can feel like everyone is on your side, and the next? Everyone is against you.

And then you're just sitting in your bedroom, typing by the light of your laptop, thinking, thinking, thinking until you start to wonder if you'll ever, ever stop thinking, even when you're dead.

You're tired of thinking about the world, and people, and love, and things that don't exist, but you're not so empty that you can't think of nothing either, so you resort to thinking about elephants playing sports.

And for some reason, this thought reminds you of how alone you feel at this moment, so you feel like crying. And soon, you will close your laptop and curl into bed and pray. You will plead to God to make his presence known to you, to fill you with peace, and after he has taken away all these negative emotions, you will fall asleep and wake up the next day, refreshed.

And you probably won't pray so desperately again until you're feeling low again, because you only come to God when you need some peace of mind; the rest of the time you just ask to keep your family and friends safe and to bless all of us, thanks, Amen.

And this makes you feel pathetic and stupid and revolting, but you won't change because you're nothing but a broken record, not the semi-good person you've always taken confident pride in being. You're not even that good of a writer, even though, the next short story you write will make you forget about all of that and you'll return to being the conceded bastard you were ten minutes ago.

And you want to think more about what else you can possibly get off your shoulders now on this word document, but honestly, you're just too tired to think anymore, so you just drift away, further and further from reality for now, only to be snapped back into it at the first bursting open of eyelids.

You have some more negative, self degrading thoughts before retiring: stupid, ignorant, ridiculous, goodnight.